Monday, June 27, 2016

Monroe Police Opening 34-Year-Old Murder Case; Still Have Not Solved Recent Murders



Monroe, MI—Monroe Police decided this past weekend to open 34-year-old murder case of two teenage friends in the early 1980s despite still not having any leads on last year’s murder of Chelsea Bruck, or the seven-years-past murder of five-year-old Nevaeh Buchanan.

“Obviously, this is about closure,” a spokesperson for the department stated today. “It’s been 34 years. So we’ve had 34 years, as a department, to figure out who might be guilty. Of course, it helps that two of our suspects are dead, and one is already in prison. That really narrows down the field.” 

The key point to the re-opening of this scenario is that there was likely a motive to the killing of the two boys, whereas absolutely none exist for Bruck or Buchanan. “We are looking at 12 potential scenarios,” the spokesman further clarified. One possible motive for the murders is a drug-related crime, although a surviving relative of the two boys insist that neither boy was a user. However, it is likely that the deaths of the boys were meant to prove a point to gang members, despite the fact that Monroe gangs of the 1980s were race based and not drug based.  Though the relative was 10 at the time of the murders, she insists that her memory is infallible. 

“We’re not ruling anything out,” the spokesperson added, after explaining the drug theory. “They might have been killed over a girl. Who could blame them, really? Girls are commodities, after all, and it makes sense that someone would burn two boys alive as a warning to stay away from another boy’s possession, or because the unlucky girl had a crush on the wrong boy.” 

Although the case is old, police insist that all of the witnesses have been very obliging. “Things are falling into place,” a detective announced this afternoon. 

It will no doubt please citizens of Monroe that 34 years after the death of two teenage boys law enforcement is ready to pursue the murderers and ensure that justice is served at last. One can only hope that, 34, 40, even 50 years after Nevaeh Buchanan and Chelsea Bruck were brutally murdered, the Monroe police too will re-open their cases and attempt to hunt down their murderers, bringing peace to the family members and to the surrounding communities.  

Friday, June 24, 2016

Who Killed Oscar Wilde?



What did Oscar Wilde die of? 

Arthur Ransome, one of Wilde’s first creditable biographers, reported that Wilde died of syphilis. Richard Ellmann, Wilde’s foremost biographer, reports “Wilde’s final illness was almost certainly syphilitic in origin” (579). Vyvyan and Merlin Holland, Wilde’s son and grandson, respectively, both believed that the syphilis theory was poppycock. 

The syphilis story is that, at 20, Wilde slept with a prostitute (a female, the critics all hastily add) and contracted syphilis; twenty years later, it would kill him. Voila? Voila. 

Why is the syphilis story so popular? I would argue that it is popular because it puts the blame squarely on Wilde. He lived as he died, a whore until the end. Stay celibate and then monogamous, children, or you’ll end up like Wilde did. 

As a sexual disease, syphilis—perhaps wrongly so, I shan’t get into that here—implies dirtiness, uncouth living, perversion. And Wilde was, for Victorian standards, perverse. It was why he had gone to prison, after all; he had been found guilty of gross indecency. While not sentenced for being an active homosexual, he was convicted for acting like it. 

The syphilis theory has continued until recently, and although I can’t give a conclusive answer to what Wilde did die of, I am absolutely certain that it was not syphilis. I am fond of the cholesteatoma theory, or, that Wilde died because of complications in his ear, possibly a tumor. In other words, a giant ear infection brought down the Irish playwright.

Ear infections are not as sexy—literally—as the idea that Wilde died because of his sexual exploits. And that is why I believe the syphilis theory has had credibility for so long. It is easier to say that Oscar Wilde died because he slept with prostitutes, male and female. The blame for Wilde’s death lands squarely on Wilde if we believe he died of syphilis. 

If Wilde died of an ear infection, the blame rests on us. 

Now, Rebekah, I can hear you say, we’re 21st century Americans. Oscar died a hundred and sixteen years ago of an ear infection, which is clearly no one’s fault. What on earth are you talking about? 

When Wilde was convicted of gross indecency in 1895 he was sent to three different prisons. Prisons in Victorian England were very different than present-day American prisons, or, I would hope, modern-day British prisons. In Pentonville and Wandsworth, the first two of three prisons Wilde would live in for three years, Wilde suffered to the point that he lost a great deal of weight. He suffered constantly from diarrhea. He could keep none of the food down, and could not work. 

In prisons in those days, you see, you were forced to work. Wilde would run on a treadmill for hours, he would ruin his hands making tarry rope. He was unable to speak to his fellow prisoners. 

Crumlin Gaol, Belfast, Northern Ireland, 2012. Behind me is the prison itself, which designer Sir Charles Landyon partially based on Pentonville, where Wilde resided for a few months. Not pictured are the unmarked graves behind my photographer, where at least five bodies still rest.


It was at Reading that Wilde slowly began to recover. His cell no longer stank like a fetid latrine; he regained some of his usual bodily functions. He still had to work, but he was allowed paper and pencils. He was given books to read. In De Profundis he professes his joy at being given stale white bread over the hard black bread given to prisoners; he knew that it is nothing to be thankful for, stale white bread, but he was grateful all the same.

Even though his treatment at Reading was marginally better, Wilde still suffered. His hearing in his right ear, which had never been good, grew progressively worse. At one point, he fainted during chapel and fell heavily on his right ear. This led to a perforated eardrum, which was a constant source of pain for Wilde. The writer implored the Home Secretary and the prison medical officer for assistance, but they did nothing to assist Wilde’s suffering. 

Wilde was released from prison in 1897. In 1900 he would die.

Of course, Wilde had suffered from hearing problems all throughout his adult life. However, I have no doubt that the lack of medical access Wilde had in prison exacerbated his hearing problems, leading directly to his death. Perhaps if Wilde had not been imprisoned, or had prisons better medical care, the author might have lived into the 20th century. 

This is all speculation, obviously. I can’t prove any of this. But I do have to sit and think about how ludicrous it was to send a man to prison for being gay and acting on it. I don’t care that it was considered normal, or that it was different back then: It was ludicrous. It’s even more ridiculous that, had Wilde been tried earlier in the century, he could have been put to death. 

But in all honesty? He was sentenced to death. It was not a death on “a day of dark disgrace with a noose about his neck nor a cloth upon his face,” as Wilde puts it in The Ballad of Reading Gaol, but it was a death sentence still. 

When Wilde was released from prison he petitioned a group of Jesuits to allow him on a six-month retreat. He was apparently in great spirits after being released, speaking of Reading, Ellmann reports, “as if it had been a resort” (527). Wilde kept up the banter until the Jesuits sent back a messenger to Wilde, informing him that it was impossible; should Wilde wish to come on a retreat, they would need a year to decide. 

Ada Leverson, who was one of the few who came to see Wilde when he was released and was present for this rejection, wrote that Wilde “broke down and sobbed bitterly” (as qtd. in Ellmann 528). 

I both love and hate this story for several reasons. I love it, because I am so proud of Wilde and how hard he tried, at first, to assimilate back into who he used to be, to assimilate to the world around him. I hate this story, because I am Catholic, and because the Jesuits had forgotten a work of corporeal mercy: to visit the prisoners. Wilde may no longer have been a prisoner, but he was newly released from prison, and the least the Jesuits could have done was accept Wilde and help him as he regained his shaky footing. Would the Jesuits have not hidden Saul when he escaped from prison? 

In the end, Wilde died with a man who loved him by his side, and a few doctors who cared nothing for him. Wilde was broke, impoverished, and an exile twice over: he died not in Ireland, where he had been born, or in England, where he had made a name for himself. 

I have been thinking a lot about Oscar Wilde in the wake of the Orlando Massacre. I see reports of the murderer’s homophobia, and how the homophobia of the American culture led to this attack. And I am reminded that even though one man picked up a gun and killed 49 people, we as a culture are to blame for creating a system where homophobia is encouraged, thus tacitly allowing this man to walk into a nightclub with a gun and open fire.  

I am frustrated that even though there is now no law that states men who act on same-sex desire must go to prison, men and women and all of the other genders are still at risk of being killed for being who they are. I am angered that my church has not learned the greatest maxim Jesus taught us, which is to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. So often from the pulpit I hear a message of hate when my God preached love for the poor, for the sick, for women, for prostitutes, for murderers, for tax collectors, for Roman centurions, for children, for the helpless. 

It was a heteronormative, Christian society that sent Oscar Wilde to prison and, ultimately, to his death. And it is a heteronormative, Christian society that has allowed this massacre to happen. 

It is easier to believe that Oscar Wilde’s dalliances led him to his own ruin. But it is more accurate to remember that society condemned Oscar Wilde who, following the message of the gospel, forgave them in his last work, The Ballad of Reading Gaol

Forgiveness is nice, but it has been a hundred and sixteen years since Wilde died, and only a few weeks since the Orlando Massacre. And it is painfully obvious to me that we allies and Christians, who profess the most but do the least when it comes to helping the marginalized, need to stop praying and start changing what we say at the pulpits, and what is read in our law books, and how society views people who don’t fit into that nice, neat box somebody fashioned for us a long, long time ago. 


I know not whether Laws be right,
Or whether Laws be wrong;
All that we know who lie in gaol
Is that the wall is strong;
And that each day is like a year,
A year whose days are long.

But this I know, that every Law
That men have made for Man,
Since first Man took his brother’s life,
And the sad world began,
But straws the wheat and saves the chaff
With a most evil fan.

This too I know—and wise it were
If each could know the same—
That every prison that men build
Is built with bricks of shame,
And bound with bars lest Christ should see
How men their brothers maim.

 --The Ballad of Reading Gaol (1898)



All quotes are from Richard Ellmann’s work Oscar Wilde (1988), and Oscar Wilde’s poem The Ballad of Reading Gaol (1898), as first published by Leonard Smithers. 

Saturday, June 18, 2016

A Reading of Charlotte Bronte’s Shirley



1. Start Shirley. Get aggravated about the misogyny. Are you sure Charlotte Bronte wrote this book?

2. For the daughter of an Irish pastor, Charlotte Bronte does not treat Irish pastor Peter Augustus Malone nicely. Plot a post-colonial reading of Shirley. Remember you graduated from grad school and no one will read the paper if you write it. 

3. Suddenly realize you’re single, and it’s horrible. Sign up for two online dating sites. 

4. Finally meet the eponymous Shirley at nearly 200 pages in; wonder why the novel is named after her, and not, say, Caroline, who appeared in the text a little over fifty pages in. 

5. Realize that marriage is a failing institution. Delete both dating accounts. 

6. A chapter filled with feminism buoys your spirits. Who cares if you’re single?!?! You’re a woman and you are AMAZING. A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle!!!! 

7. You are not sure what feminism is anymore. Possibly, feminism never existed. You dreamt it.

8. Go to the store. Buy embroidery floss and a very ugly kitten-pattern tea towel set. Start work on this immediately. 

9. Take Shirley with you to Shipshewana. Observe the Amish and Mennonite women carrying their babies and cooking and sewing quilts. Languish. Come to terms with being an old maid. 

10. Realize that somewhere along the way Shirley has changed personalities. Also, Shirley is now the main character. Everyone else you read about for 300 pages might as well be dead. What happened to Malone? You thought he was important. 

11. Complete the first of the kitten-pattern tea towels. 

12. Decide that your version of feminism and Charlotte Bronte’s are very different. 

13. Charlotte Bronte please, for the love of God, stop writing fanfiction about your professor. It’s creepy. He is not going to answer your letters. 

14. Some little boy named Martin decides that he’s going to put his hat in for Caroline (she didn’t die after all!). This is very creepy. Is Charlotte Bronte depicting a child sociopath? You skim most of these pages. You hope they aren’t important. 

15. Threaten Charlotte Bronte. If she makes one more quip about the Irish being nasty, or Native Americans being savage, or Jews being in need of salvation, you are going to write a scathing review of her book on Goodreads. 

16. Completely ignoring the moral of the book, which is that marriage is an evil and then you die, everybody gets married. There are tears on your embroidery.

17. Persuade your father to make a bonfire in the backyard. Burn Shirley. Also, burn all of your embroidery. 

Thursday, June 16, 2016

I'm Filing for Divorce from Tom Hiddleston



What is Tom Hiddleston doing? 

A couple of years ago, when I was still at Madonna, I succumbed to the internet fad that was Tom Hiddleston. At the time, he was the God of the Internet, the Lord of Television, the Next Wonder of the Known World. 

However, it is startling how quickly the internet dismisses its former gods. Hardly anybody reblogs Hiddleston’s beautiful face anymore on tumblr. The internet has abandoned Hiddleston for greener pastures. Like the theory that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer. 

                                                 

What is not to like about T. Hiddles? He is a self-proclaimed feminist. He reads poetry. He looks at people like they’re the answer to life. He wears blue shirts and, against his red hair, he looks like a sun rising. Basically, Tom Hiddleston checks every box on my “Rebekah’s Sensible Qualities To Look For In The Male Species,” and almost every box on “Rebekah’s Probably Outlandish Qualities To Expect In Men.” 

However, I am getting tired of Tom Hiddleston. He’s starting to uncheck all of my boxes pretty quickly.

And the first box to go was “self-proclaimed feminist.” 

Just recently, Hiddleston acted in a six-part miniseries called The Night Manager, also staring Hugh Laurie of House fame. Laurie wrote the series, I believe, and acted as The Bad Guy, whilst T. Hiddles acted as The Good Guy. Names of characters mean nothing to me at this point, because I only watched three episodes, and because my father referred to the actors as “The Night Manager,” (aka Tom Hiddleston) “The Bad Guy,” (or Hugh Laurie) and “The Girl” (whose name I don’t know because she’s a girl and therefore her name doesn’t get put into the commercials). 

God, the series was dreadful. It is probably what psychologists call a man’s fantasy. Hugh Laurie’s character assists an Egyptian man in a business deal for explosives during Arab Spring (the purpose of which I have yet to understand). The Egyptian keeps a mistress at the posh Egyptian hotel where Hiddleston works as the Night Manager. The mistress, overcome with Hiddleston’s good looks, gives him state secrets, and therefore her boyfriend arranges to have her brutally murdered. Hiddleston does his best to protect her, but alas! The episode ends with Hiddleston kneeling over her broken and bleeding body, swearing revenge against not the Egyptian lover, but Hugh Laurie. 

Forsworn, like Scott’s de Bois-Gilbert, to Never Ever Ever Love again after the love of his life (who he had known maybe three days) dies, Hiddleston leaves Egypt, which is forever stained for him now his beloved exotic lady is dead. However, through a series of very boring happenstances, Hiddleston and Laurie meet again, and M16 offers Hiddleston the chance to get Laurie back by going deep undercover as one of Laurie’s men. 

Hiddleston gets undercover, and is given one command: Don’t mess with Laurie’s Girl. Because girls aren’t allowed to choose who they sleep with, and boys are animals unable to keep it in their pants.
It was about this point I stopped watching, because there were two girls in the series (“the hot one” and “the smart one,” except Hiddleston was clearly much smarter than “the smart one” which kind of defeats the point), the plot was stupid, and I was getting a definitive “No Girls Allowed” vibe.
This vibe, coming from writer Hugh Laurie, does not surprise me. The man starred on House, after all, which has all of zero female role models. (Yes, you heard me, I said ZERO.) This coming from Tom Hiddleston does. He told us he was a feminist. He has one of those “This Is What a Feminist Looks Like” t-shirts. 

Does being a feminist mean it is still okay to act in shows that are directly misogynistic? I don’t think so.  

Hiddleston’s disastrous performance in The Night Manager is followed by the news that he may be playing our next James Bond which, of course, is a nail in his coffin. As James Bond, Hiddleston would merely continue playing the misogynistic suit that is Bond: Love ’em, Leave ’em, Blow some stuff up. 

Why would I want to watch this? If I want to watch some stuff blow up epically, then I’m going to watch Mad Max: Fury Road. I don’t see any appeal in watching Hiddleston-as-Bond woo, sleep with, and leave “The Hot Chick” without once looking back. That’s not just the romantic in me talking. That’s the “Please have the decency to treat women like human beings” in me. 

And I do wonder, now, how much of that handsome-feminist-Shakespeare-fanatic box-checking was manufactured by Hiddleston to gain followers while he had the spotlight. Is he really a feminist? And does being a feminist mean turning down roles like the ones Hiddleston played in The Night Manager and by turning down the chance to be Bond? Does it mean sticking to his other, stranger movies, like The Only Lovers Left Alive and Crimson Peak

It seems cruel to pigeonhole Hiddleston to the roles that I approve of—but at the same time, I can’t believe that a feminist would get much enjoyment out of belittling women on television. Maybe playing Henry V in The Hollow Crown got Hiddleston less money than playing James Bond would, but I have to believe the experience would be better, the pay more rewarding, and the knowledge that he is staying true to his feminist ideals would be more important than raking in an extra million on opening day. 

Tom Hiddleston is just a whole lot less attractive to me now than when he debuted as Loki. I can’t be sure he’s a feminist. The fact that he’s at least ten years older than me and possibly dating Taylor Swift (which for some reason feels gross, even though I’m sure the age range is suitable).  

Dr. Mack said that the problem with artists is that we, the consumers, like to keep them where we found them: No branching out, no trying anything new. And Tom Hiddleston is trying something new, and I hate it. I feel guilty and conflicted about hating it. But at the same time, I honestly believe that if someone or something isn’t up to my feminist standards (i.e., “Am I portrayed as an actual human being and could not feasibly be replaced by a lamp?”) then I don’t have to waste my time on it.

Tom Hiddleston, I have annoyed my friends for many years by boldly proclaiming you were the only man I’d ever marry. However, after several years, I’m sorry to say—I’m filing for divorce. Because for me, “new directions” does not necessarily equal “abandoning feminist sensibilities.” 

Good luck with your new movies, T. Hiddles. Call me if you’re ever in Michigan. We can work this out. 

Probably.