If I Ran for President

If I ran for president, I would choose Rand Paul as my Vice-President. That way everything we did in the White House would be, by definition, bipartisan. Rand Paul would handle all of the finances of the United States of America, because I am hopeless with money. I would have him deliver a weekly address to the American people, because his beautiful face would soothe everyone. 

If I ran for president, I would pardon not a turkey on Thanksgiving but a white deer. I would give the doe a sign to hang round her neck that said, “Let no one touch me; it has pleased the president to set me free.” Throughout the ceremony I would cackle and surreptitiously watch my iPhone, because I would have a poll going on Twitter to see how many Americans knew what I was doing. I would take the sign off after the ceremony, though, because deer don’t need collars. 

If I ran for president, I would agitate for more women in sports. I would personally go to each of the U.S. women’s soccer team games until everybody was watching girls in sport and getting more excited about women’s games then men’s games. I would have ESPN change the names of their channels, so when the men played it would say UEFA MEN’S SOCCER, so there was no default “an athlete is male, but a female athlete isn’t.” I would also champion, in the spirit of my bipartisan presidency, a sports team that was co-ed, because the idea that men and women can’t play together in sport is just stupid. I would phrase it that way in the bill I presented, too. “Just stupid.” 

If I ran for president, I would throw around acronyms like “STEM” and “HEART” a lot. “I went to a liberal arts college,” I would say, and pause for loud applause and cheers for liberal arts education. “We cannot have sciences without the humanities; we cannot have the humanities without science. Neither group is better than the other.” Chaucer might tweet me. That would be really cool. 

If I ran for president, I would take the time to speak with YouTube journalists once a week, because I have a high respect for many YouTube journalists. I would tell traditional journalists to get over it if they complained, because I am twenty-three years old here, of course YouTube is more important to me than a newspaper that doesn’t even carry UEFA EURO 2016 scores. 

If I ran for president, I would subtly insert reminders that we should not visit Mars until 2028 into all of my campaign speeches. It would be like Dr. Eyster mocking Newt Gringrich and his moon colonies. Nobody would catch it except Dr. Eyster, who would grin, and Rand Paul, who would threaten to quit. 

If I ran for president, I would get a lot of hate mail. Once a year I would publically burn it and dance around the fire. Okay, I probably wouldn’t dance. But I’d make some s’mores and share them with Rand Paul.