And Forever Hail

A few days ago one of my favorite religious tumblrs posted a quote from an Elizabeth Stuart book. I have not read Stuart’s works, probably because she is not Catholic and I tend to read Catholic theology, and also because she writes about queer relationships, so Dr. Miller wouldn’t have mentioned her in Four Gospels.

The original quote was much longer, but here is the piece that stuck with me the most: “We have an unhappy urge to pin God, Christ, the Spirit down. When I look at a crucifix I am always reminded of what the Victorians did to butterflies. They caught them, killed them and pinned them to bits of wood. The resurrection, whatever else it is, is a message that you cannot do that to God” (Stuart, Just Good Friends, pg. 13).

When I read those lines I immediately looked up to the Crucifix I bought at the Wyandotte art fair during the beginning of the summer and have hanging by my desk. I saw the nails in Jesus’ hands, the glory radiating around his head, and I thought, She’s right. I have pinned my lord down.

It was out of love for us that Jesus submitted to the cross, but it is a sign of his power that he came down from the cross and emerged from a stone tomb three days later, bringing with him those who had waited for him and had died still waiting. The cross is only half of the equation.

But I tend to stick not only Jesus on the cross, but the dead in the grave.  

I have been carrying a lot of grief around this year, especially as it seems that so many people are dying. I have been mourning Chelsea Bruck, especially recently, now that someone has been arrested for her murder. I have also been mourning a childhood friend who died this winter. We weren’t particularly close anymore, but when she died everything shifted and I started crying all the time.

When my friend died, I grew angry. I was angry when Chelsea Bruck died too. These women were my age; who had the right to take them from me? I was angry at Danny Clay, although I didn’t know his name then, and I was angry at Dale Malone, and I was angry with God. :You rose again,: I told him, :but where are they? They will not come back.: 

Jesus came back three days later; Mary Magdalene saw him in the gardens—but he told her, of all things, Touch me not.

***

This is not really a blog about God. It is a post about mourning, and about death, and about dead women especially. If I believe that a man named Jesus rose from the dead, I cannot leave him on the cross. And if I believe in the resurrection, then I cannot leave these women in the earth.

So I have made a playlist, partially for Chelsea Bruck, partially for my friend, partially for all women my age who are murdered or who make a dumb mistake or whose bodies fail them. It is for the women who mourn them too.

But mostly, this playlist is for the people of a Baptist church down in Arkansas, for keeping a girl I once knew warm in the darkest part of the night.

Atque in perpetuum ave

A Light Shines in the Darkness, and the Dark has Not Overcome It

 http://8tracks.com/yesterdaystoday/forever-hail

1. I Will Never Die—Delta Rae

Wrap your roots all around my bones

And when they come for me, when they call my name

Cast my shadow like a bellow’s flame

2. In the Shadows—Amy Stroup

Silhouette against the wall

Lit up by the white moon

Will I run and wake at dawn

3. Chrysanthemum—Everclear

Five months gone and all I got

Pretty pink flowers on a chain link fence

And I don’t like what it means ’cause I know there is more to come

4. I Will Follow You Into the Dark (for Ashlie Gough)—Amanda Palmer (Cover)

The soles of our shoes are all worn down

The time for sleep is now

It’s nothing to cry about

’Cause we’ll hold each other soon

In the darkest of rooms

5. You—Keaton Henson

If you must mourn, my love,

Mourn with the moon and the stars up above

               . . .

And if you must die

Remember your life 

6. Saturn—Sleeping at Last

You taught me the courage of stars before you left

How light carries on endlessly, even after death…

How rare and beautiful it is to even exist

7. Remember Me—Thomas Bergersen

(Instrumental)

8. Dance in the Graveyards—Delta Rae

When I die

I don’t want to rest in peace

I want to dance in joy

I want to dance in the graveyards

9. Lost and Found—Katie Herzig

Oh, I’m afraid of the world I’m in

One day I will see Heaven’s reach

I’ll find the one who left me sleeping

10. I Believe—Christina Perri

Hold on—I am still alive

This is not the end of me

This is the beginning